Thanks to all who attended The Magic of Memoir workshop last Saturday (September 15, 2018) at the PNWA Writer’s Conference. I mentioned that I would share a resource sheet—contact information for some of the teachers who’ve helped me and inspired my writing journey. It is below!

I am also available to help you outline your narrative arc, get clear on what your story is about, and provide overall feedback on your project. I also enjoy editing personal essays so let me know if you could use my help.

 

The Magic of Memoir: PNWA Writers Conference, Seattle WA — Sept. 13-16, 2018

Workshop presenters:

Ruthie Stender: www.ruthstender.com

Carol Anderson: www.caroleandersonwrites.com

Some of our favorite resources:

• Pacific Northwest Writers Association (PNWA)
• Writing Coaches & Teachers:
  • Brooke Warner: http://brookewarner.com
  • Linda Joy Myers: http://memoriesandmemoirs.com
  • Joe Guppy: http://www.joeguppy.com
  • Nicholas O’Connell: http://www.nickoconnell.net
  • Waverly Fitzgerald: http://www.waverlyfitzgerald.com
• Writing Classes
  • The Writer’s Workshop (Nicholas O’Connell): https://www.thewritersworkshop.net/
  • Magic of Memoir online classes: http://magicofmemoir.com
  • Write Your Book in Six Months: http://writeyourbookinsixmonths.com
  • Cami Ostman: https://www.camiostman.net
• Hugo House (a place for writers): https://hugohouse.org

Just a “few” book recommendations:

The Magic of Memoir, Inspiration for the Writing Journey (an anthology) edited by Brooke Warner and Linda Joy Myers

The Writer’s Journey: Mythic Structures for Writers, by Christopher Vogler

Writing Down the Bones: Freeing the Writer Within, by Natalie Goldberg

On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft, by Stephen King

Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life, by Anne Lamott

To Be Told: God Invites You to Coauthor Your Future, by Dan Allender

The Art of Memoir, by Mary Karr

Handling the Truth, On the Writing of Memoir, by Beth Kephart

The Making of a Story, by Alice LaPlante

What’s Your Book?: A Step-by-Step Guide to Get You from Inspiration to Published Author, by Brooke Warner

Journey of Memoir: The Three Stages of Memoir Writing, by Linda Joy Myers

Website design & development:

Tiffany Sevareid: http://tiffanysevareid.com 

 

Do you have a story to tell?

If so, join Carol E. Anderson and me in Seattle at the 2018 PNWA Writer’s Conference, September 2018 by signing up here.

Together, we will cover various aspects of memoir writing, such as:

• Outlining your story: beginning, middle and end
• Truth-telling
• The importance of universal truth/reflection/take-away
• Taming the inner critic
• How to keep writing

For more information about The Magic of Memoir, and a full list of contributors go here!

 

It is a great honor and privilege to share this guest post by Robert W. Finertie, my friend and co-contributor to the anthology, The Magic of Memoir: Inspiration for the Writing Journey (She Writes Press, 2016).

Bob tells me, “I want to connect with others through my writing.”  The below excerpt is from Bob’s forthcoming memoir along with a beautiful poem inspired by this particular scene. His essay, Dialoguing with the Inner Critic, from the above-mentioned anthology, is both entertaining and serious. I recommend reading it; especially if you are writing a memoir.

We hope you enjoy this sampling of Bob’s writing. Stay tuned for more!

Much love,

Ruthie (and Bob)

 

Prologue

Mom picked a lousy time to die. It was Labor Day 1941. I was eight and a half years old as I peered into the casket. We were in the Dobbins Memorial Methodist Church of Delanco, New Jersey. The woman lying there looked like my mom, her arms folded across her chest holding a white corsage. I could trace the veins in her hands, the thin blue trails that once carried life to her arms so she could hug me, to her cheeks so she could smile at me, and to her lips so she could kiss me good night. But her eyes were now closed. How I wished she would open them and look at me to reassure me of her love. Dad said she was in heaven. I’m sure he meant that to be reassuring. It was not. Heaven was a vague place somewhere up in the sky. I guess she needed her eyes up there, wherever “there” might be.

I would learn later that children up to the age of about twelve have a concrete-operational frame of reference through which they see the world. They see trees, not the forest; waves, not the ocean. During this stage of development, a child has no ability to grasp concepts or ideas. He sees Nana and Grandpa, not grandparents; cousins who play croquet on the back lawn are Cousin Dick and Cousin Fred, not sons of our parents’ siblings.

I saw the locket I gave her fastened around her neck. I didn’t understand. When I bought it, I’d thought it would help her get better. It hadn’t.

She appeared the same as she always did, except she didn’t move. She didn’t breathe. She didn’t look at me. That was what bothered me most of all, that she didn’t look at me. I touched her hand. It felt cold. Dad asked if I wanted to kiss her good-bye. Yes, oh yes. He lifted me up so I could kiss her on her cheek. Her cheek was cold too. Yes, I wanted to kiss her and I wanted her to kiss me back. No, I didn’t want to kiss her good-bye. I didn’t want her to go away.

Dad put me down and said, “Don’t cry. Be a big boy.” The church organ played softly in the background. Art Young sang, “Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, calling to you and to me,” in his distinctive tenor voice.

The man in the black suit from the funeral home asked me if I wanted Mom’s locket.

“No,” I told him, “I gave that to my mommy.”

As he closed the lid of the casket, I heard people sobbing. I watched Dad fighting back the tears, just after he’d told me not to cry. I wanted to cry. I wanted to rage and yell and scream, “That’s my mom, and I don’t want her to go away!” There was a battle going on in my head between those words and these: “Be a good boy. Don’t cry.”

***

Forty years later, this poem bubbled up from whatever deep recess I had buried it in:

The Day the Lights Went Out

“Don’t cry,” he said the day earth swallowed up the one who bore me.

“Don’t cry, for when you do my own grief threatens to overwhelm me.”

“Don’t cry; for I must work so we can live, if survival counts as life.”

“For the dam, once compromised by one small teardrop, would allow such torrents

of anguish and despair to follow that none could stanch them.”

“Don’t cry,” he said, and I made some vain attempt please him,

To comply, so I would not be twice bereft.

“Don’t cry”? When fate has intervened;

When death’s icy fingers rend my bosom

And rip my heart—still beating—from my breast?

© Robert W. Finertie

 

 

Finally, here’s the last chapter of my book,  The Eight Aspects of God: A Pathway to Bliss—SOUL-UTIONS, and where I talk about Enrolling the Soul.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading these chapters and that you walk away with a few tidbits to bring value to your life or someone else’s. It’s been almost six years since I published this book and I realize now more than ever that, although my intention was to help and teach others, I wrote it to help myself more than anything. One of my spiritual teachers once said, “We teach what we need to learn.” I understand this to be true.

Much love,

Ruthie

 

Chapter 11: Soul-utions

When we do our part to live life according to the eight aspects of God—peace, wisdom, power, love, calmness, light, sound, and bliss—the response from the Universe (God) is reciprocal. That is to say, the level of effort we put into changing our lives for the better is matched in like. If we put out a little effort, the message to the Universe is that we want a little in return. If, on the other hand, we put our hearts into everything we do, meaning a full effort, we are showered with blessings that support our mission, our change.

Change

Oftentimes we let change itself get in the way of our progress toward a more blissful life. This happens because we work harder to change others than to examine ourselves, our own areas in need of positive change. In Michael Jackson’s song, “Man in The Mirror,” the lyrics say, “If you want to make the world a better place, you better take a look at yourself and make a change . . .” So long as we focus on what’s wrong with others, we will never be able to truly see our own need to change. Underneath, in your heart, you might know there’s work to do (actually, you know there is!), but to take on that work feels overwhelming. Understandably so.

If you begin by taking little baby steps, the effort will take hold and build momentum. All you have to do is one small thing. Examine your life and notice what aspects are missing and choose one action to address that lack. If you lack a peaceful environment, for example, start clearing out your space—physically and mentally. Take an inventory of who no longer serves you or who feels toxic in your surroundings. Instead of trying to change them, accept them for who they are and turn your focus on your own potential, your own growth.

Expectations and Acceptance

The more you expect others to change, and wait for them to change, the further removed you become from actually ever seeing a change in them because your mind gets so clouded by pent-up emotions and, yes, even more expectations. Frustration sets in, followed by other feelings like resentment, anger, sadness, and despair. You feel victimized by your circumstances. Trying to change others is one area that blocks our potential, but another common area that gets in our way is the unwillingness to accept others for who they are. We hold expectations of others and then can’t accept it when they let us down. We work to change them or hold a grievance toward them for being whatever way they are (stupid, insensitive, rude, unkind, or even toxic).

In order to accept someone, we have to let go of expectations and stop judging them. That’s not to say we shouldn’t expect a coworker to treat us with respect or a child to adhere to our house rules, but when we expect a person’s personality or character to be different than it is, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration. If a person has a sharp tongue and seems to be always itching for a fight, you have to adjust the way you communicate with them. Their behavior, in and of itself, is a form of communication. As long as you can see that, you (being on the high road of self-improvement and positive change) can adopt a different language, so to speak, when you interact with them, and stop hoping or expecting that they’ll be different next time you see them.

It’s Not About You

The number one thing that keeps you from making a change (or even knowing what change is necessary) is getting trapped in the victim role. Being the victim happens when you take things personally. Taking something personally is thinking that what other people do, don’t do, say, or don’t say is about you. It’s not. A person is going to behave the way they do regardless of who’s in their line of fire. It’s not about you. Take, for example, the person who, when you give them an inch, takes a mile. They have a pattern of taking advantage of your goodwill. Instead of complaining about it—a victim reaction—tighten your boundaries. It is your responsibility not only to set new boundaries, but to hold them, to prevent being taken advantage of again. It’s just a matter of getting to know the people around you and adopting your own behavior and actions to improve the situation. The person who takes and takes and takes is a taker, not a giver. Accept it. Set boundaries. Hold the line.

In many ways, the people who challenge you the most are the best teachers. It’s good for us to develop multiple skills around how to communicate. Instead of trying to change someone, look at the relationship as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. Setting boundaries is important, but it only goes so far sometimes. It’s especially tough with family members and close friends—people you can only separate from so much, who you either can’t or wouldn’t really want to divorce from your life altogether. For these people, the ones you truly love and care about, nurturing the relationship can feel one-sided, like you’re doing all the nurturing (and you very likely are). In this case, setting boundaries requires a gentle approach and a little more work on your part. And it needs to stem from a loving place.

“If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”
~ Pema Chodron

Coming to a relationship from a loving place is easier when you understand that “it” (their behavior) is not about you. If someone’s behavior irritates you, work on being more patient, observant, interested, or curious about them. Just give them the gift of being there. Nothing more, nothing less. It sounds simple, and it is, but simple is very often far from easy. Just like anything else you want to learn, it just requires a little effort—and, usually, a lot more understanding!

Enrolling The Soul

To recap, the things that get in our way and prevent us from living more closely to the eight aspects of God are not being able or willing to accept “what is” and working hard to change things outside ourselves. Instead, we must work to change what’s inside us and let go of falling victim to the actions of others. As we do, we get closer to our true authentic nature, our soul self. When we get in touch with our true nature, we see that everyone is really in the same boat: simply trying to find their way through all the muck—the same as you and me. Understanding this helps ease up the strain to force change, and allows you to accept others as they are. In this more natural, intuitive state of mind, your mind is at peace. When you’re at peace, solutions—soul-utions—flow in because you are being guided by an inner knowing. Your soul’s knowing; God’s knowing. Instead of reacting to an upsetting behavior, you respond from a centered state with a calm presence. Your surroundings can’t help but change. You become the change.

You are at the root of all change. If you want more joy in your life, be joyous. If you want more respect, go out of your way to treat others respectfully. If you want more love and affection, be more loving and show others affection. Practice the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi, who so eloquently taught us to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Simply think of “the world” as your inner self—your sphere of influence. Be whatever it is you wish to see in that world; your world. Everything else will just fall into place.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
~ Reinhold Niebuhr